Clarity, maybe?

I'm not exactly sure how I should be starting this particular post. Like, I know why I'm here right now but...oh well. 

The recent slew (and by slew, I mean two haha) of parliamentary (MP level) affairs had me in a cuff. Why? Because the fact that I even THOUGHT about having an affair was madness, much less actually DOING the deed. 

But I did, although I don't think it meant much enough to be considered an affair per se. Granted, there were some feelings involved (we used 'vibe' alot), and some physical chemistry (?). But there were also alot of uncertainties (no shit Sherlock) before and after the deed was done. 

The way it ended, however, left me in shambles for a few days. It's currently Day 3 post apocalypse, three days since shit hit the roof. Still unsure what I said/did to rile him up so much, he decided that was that after all the things he said, all the "promises" he made. I bawled my eyes out that evening, had my head in a mess, heart quite shattered. Threw myself into the arms of, surprise surprise, my loving husband who has no fucking idea what went down. As in, he kinda knew so-and-so did me dirty but obviously does not know we had a thing for one evening. 

Anyhow, woke up Monday morning and still wasn't thinking straight. I guess the good thing that happened on Monday was receiving the text that I got the job I wanted with my asking salary and working situation. Flexible working conditions are the way to go, especially post pandemic era which is where we are now. Employers need to understand that most employees don't want to be clocking in and out, being tracked on their reporting times, having to be answerable to that (work already so hard, why make their lives harder dude), having to sit at their desks for a stipulated time frame (wtf kinda 'your whole life belongs to me' situation is 8.30am to 6.15pm??? And we could not clock out on time either. Nope, we had to clock out PAST 6.15pm, but we got marked if we clocked in PAST 8.30am. Wut.) anymore. It's not 1960 or even 2018. POST PANDEMIC BABY!

As I was saying, head was still kinda out of sorts but luckily I had some work related stuff to tend to so was distracted for more than half a day doing that. I was having my period so I was feeling extremely lethargic and that probably also helped since I was out of it enough to not give much thought to that situation. Oh! And husband's surprise gift arrived that day too (coincidence much?) to take my mind off the shit too.

Ya this. Damn cute right?

I just wanted to let it out somewhere what I've done. Honestly, as much as we were talking (me and so-and-so), and kinda were in the zone with each other about "trying this out", a part of me kinda knew we weren't gonna make it very far? At that point when things were good, it was just a nagging feeling at the back of my head. But now that things are no longer in effect, can I say this and say it out loud? 

IT WAS NEVER MY GODDAMN FAULT THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT!

Promises were all from him, he lifted me up and then dropped me immediately when it wasn't to his advantage. He bullied me, manipulated me into thinking it was something when it wasn't, insulted me so many times (my gawd Joey, I thought you were smarter than that.), in a way made me feel like I wasn't adequate (insinuating I was fat, not attractive enough, etc) when he really isn't one to comment about such things. 

Not that I only noticed it yesterday but it hit me harder than any other time that, case in point, I have guy friends and a husband who truly care for me and love me just the way I am. THEY think I'm awesome (at least I choose to believe that haha) and have been nothing but concerned for me even before this ass wipe of a character came along. Is this the proverbial 男人不怀，女人不爱 situation? But I left that time in my life at the door as soon as he went berserk and used my vulnerability against me. 

Which leads me to another point (bear with me, I have to let this out to move on fully.) - using my vulnerability against me. He knew some things about me - rocky marriage, my battle with my weight amongst other things. When HE felt belittled (still don't know what I said to make him rage against the machine.), HE took it all out on me BUT! Our good friend, on top of belittling me with the things he knows I'm sensitive about, decided that it was also a good idea to gaslight me. 

How can someone, and a man of all things, do something so heinous to the one he claims to admire not for physical appearance but for emotional reasons? It puzzles me to no end, and I wonder if it's that is what is making me think of this continuously. The only people I feel bad for is his family - his wife and young son. Ya, he has a family and also married. As it is, he isn't even really at home most times, choosing to spend his days at work, slogging his life away when he's close to the big 5-0. His idea of 'loyalty' is beyond warped, his life is basically a cesspool although he thinks this is the best way to live any life (as he has made it very clear verbally on several occasions while we were colleagues and also beyond that). His son probably only recognises the him through Whatsapp video call (sad much?), and I can't fault his wife for being cold to him (if my husband is such a megalomaniac and hardly spends time with the family anyway, plus doesn't seem to be very supportive of my dreams, I would be cold too.). 

If he wanted to live the way he is living now, he should have just stayed single. Why bring another person and life into his world just so he can do this to them? Selfish, irresponsible, immature, narcissistic. And he still doesn't think he is wrong. 

I'm boggled by this person, truly. Those little moments of humanity he has, I've seen them, experienced them, and thought he was deserving of some kindliness, perhaps even a chance. I've told him that vulnerability is not weakness, I've done my part to show him that there are people in this world he can open up to and be vulnerable with. Yet, all I got back in return was so much hate, anger, attack. Did I deserve it? I don't think I did. All I did was be a friend to him, supported him, encouraged him, loved him the only way I could. 

He said it took him alot to open up but he never once asked me about me, about my struggles, my challenges. It was always about him, his challenges and struggles are way worse than everyone else's. He has gotten it the worst in whichever way form you can fathom. HIS pain overrides everyone else's. It doesn't matter if you got shot 50 times in the head and survived, HE has got it worse than you. 

But anyway...

I guess it shouldn't be considered a loss if it was never a gain in the first place mirite?

Right now, I'm focusing on those who appreciate the real me, the true, authentic version of me that while could aggravate you with my realness, would also be there for you and love you and make you laugh with the entirety of my heart. 

First of all, it would be my marriage. I guess this was one good thing that came out of this whole fiasco? I want to fall in love with my husband all over again and re-ignite whatever we have lost over the past 10 years. Make up for lost time if you will. 

I feel better already. 

Thank you. 

At a Crossroad

 It's strange, being at the point of life that I am at right now. 

Yes blogger, I'm 40 this year. In case we need a throwback to when I first started with this, I was probably in my early 20s. It has been 20 years at least.

Anyhoo, it has been a long run. I'm not sure where to start honestly. Like my header says, I'm at a crossroads in my life. Not physically, more mentally and emotionally. 

You see, I got married to a really nice man some 11 years ago. Yep, 11. Scary huh? But then, it seems like things have started to....change over the last few years, feelings wise.

A couple of years ago, I contemplated divorce. I spoke to my husband about it and explained the various reasons why I felt we should go our separate ways. For one, he wanted kids and I'm not willing to have kids with him (alittle too specific? yep.). It would be better and fairer for him if he found someone who was willing to start a family with him. Two, I have lost feelings. I don't want to blame him but in a small way, it is also abit of his fault. He wasn't putting in the effort for our relationship, taking it as "ohhh we have been married for so long, aiya no need to do already la" kind of mindset. The thing is, I've NEVER felt romanced by him. To him, it has always been "we have to be practical, realistic" but to what end? I told him I was bored (still am) of our relationship and it's not because of childish "why is he not paying 100% attention on me?" type of childishness, but a deeper, sadly more detaching kind of boredom. 

For the record, we don't have sex anymore. I haven't wanted him to touch me for a few years now. And we even sleep in different rooms mainly because he snores terribly and I cannot sleep peacefully. 

I've been trying to build back what we lost but it feels like I'm the only one trying emotionally and mentally. The amount of reliance he has on me feels more and more frustrating as the days go by and when I bring it up, he just shrugs it off as me being overly sensitive, overly demanding, "anyway you are the one who always cannot make a decision" when I'm the one always making the final decision. (wut)

So ya, I'm officially exhausted. I honestly don't know what else I can do. 

Point to note: I don't believe in cheating when in a committed relationship. That, I won't do. But I'm starting to find someone looking elsewhere. Whether it's for the real deal (actually working towards something) or just pure flirtation, I don't know but it is happening and I feel like crap. Of course I still have my standards and I find myself being attracted to men who are on the same energy level as me. My husband is more passive and I'm the alpha in the household, not by choice so that explains somewhat. 

I'm getting tired. And we are headed for a short getaway to KL tomorrow. I intend to sit him down over a drink to talk about this when we are there and a little more relaxed. I don't think I should drag this any longer. I'm kind of sian to think of his defensiveness but he needs to know that I'm serious. If we figure that this is going nowhere, we should really think about it. We are no longer in the era where once we are married, it means we are forever. Things change, people change. If both hands, or one, isn't willing to clap any longer, then I really think we should cut our losses and move on. 

Don't get me wrong though. If there's a way to salvage my marriage, I'm all ears. Therapy, couple counselling, whatever it takes. What I want him to know is how I truly feel and how he feels. I want him to take the initiative and be the forward thinking one in our relationship. I want him to realise that the reason why our marriage is the way it is now is because I've stopped trying and he hasn't been trying for awhile and he is just leaving it as it is, hoping for a miracle to happen. It's not. 

He needs to understand that whatever I'm feeling and deciding now is directed at him and not the general population of men. 

Let's just end this with I hope everything kinda works out for the better. I hope my next post here won't be a sad one.

As I get older, I grow quirkier.

 I don't mean it in a fabulous or artistic way in any sense. Age does the strangest things to a person. It either makes you a better person or it fucks you up. 

But the major reason I'm here today is because of how irritated I've been feeling recently. To be fair, I think it's partly due to adulting and partly due to me being an irritable auntie. 

1) People don't seem to know how to customer service any more. Recent aircon servicing customer service sucked ass so much, it made me bloat. 

2) I realise that to do what you want to do, you really need to stand your ground. And hard. People just suck ass. 

3) Periods suck ass, and they suck ass even more as you age. Fuck the cramps and overall battered feeling. It's not funny at all. 

4) I've officially run out of patience to deal with suck asses. I'm that much closer to 40 so I don't have the liberty of time to run around with idiots anymore. 

5) Does it hurt to always be angsty like me now? Of course it does. But it's liberating too. 

I don't think I'm there yet but I am getting there. Age can make you an angry, impatient person, but it can also make you very self-aware and perhaps smarter. 

Tolora

Pandemic 2020

It took me a year to come back here again. For a long time in my past, I was consistently updating this site with strange rants about my daily life. Reading them now, it felt as if my life was so much more colourful back then. In reality though, it wasn't really. Strangely, life as a whole seems more...at peace now.

As I'm writing this, there's a pandemic happening in the world. The world is at a literal standstill because of a little alien looking thing called the coronavirus, affectionately known as Covid-19. Let me tell you a little more about how the world has been, and is, reacting to it.

When news broke out of the virus and its deadly afflictions, people were terrified. Nobody wanted to die (note that I used the word 'wanted' because this will have a meaning later on), so we hung on to every word that our governments, medical experts and scientists had to say. Everyone was living on tenterhooks for about...four to five months.

But recently, the situation amongst the general public seems to have changed. People seem to be getting pandemic fatigue from the lockdowns, quarantines and Circuit Breaker (singular because we are the only country calling our semi lockdown this). While the virus is still undoubtedly making its rounds, people are tired of being so constantly afraid that we are slowly but surely veering our attention away from it and refocusing on rebuilding our lives.

It's a really interesting phenomena because while everyone is still somewhat afraid of catching the virus, it doesn't seem to be affecting us (figuratively) as much as it used to anymore. People are just tired, we feel done with dealing with it, and we want our lives back. Countries want their economy back and people want to live their lives again.

I've been telling my husband that very soon, I won't be surprised if we are going to treat this virus like the common flu and deal with it the same way - herd immunity. If we think about it, there is no vaccine for the common flu either. We just live with it and pop pills to alleviate the symptoms when we get it. We never developed a vaccine for SARS too but are people still as afraid of it as they used to be? Not really. It has become a fleeting memory.

So right now, Singaporeans are just anticipating Phase 2 and the reopening of the economy to a certain extend. It really does feel like everyone has had enough. We see countries starting to reopen because they cannot be shut down for any longer. People are getting restless and everyone just wants things to go back to the way it was.

Honestly, I don't know how much of a world we have left to go back to but I'm kind of happy this happened. Why? Not because I'm some kind of insane sadist but more like I now have a reason not to communicate or get too close to humans. At least the ones that I don't like.

Let's see what will happen in the months to come. I'm predicting the world to be open again by end of this year and leisure travel to be back by mid-2021. There's no way in hell all these is going to be dragged any longer than that.

2019. Life goes on.

It seems as I grow older, the more angsty, yet mellower I become. I know, it's an oxymoron, but this chapter of my life has been nothing but eye-opening.

Now I seem to truly understand what "eye-opening" means.

It's gonna be a rather sombre post. The thing is. I'm not even interested in reading my past posts, something I used to do every time I come here to write. Feels as if some part of me does not want to remember the things I used to say. Or feel. Or thought. Whatever. It's just not a thing for me anymore.

I'm not saying I don't miss facets of my youth. I do. What's there not to miss right? But I feel like I'm at a point in my life where the little things may frustrate me, but they don't mean much to me as they used to. My life right now seems to be about looking at the general picture and just...taking it from there.

It's not easy. Being the way I am now can lead to a lot of confusions, both for myself and the people around me. On one hand, it is evident I am trying to find a solution. On the other hand, it also doesn't look like I really care about what really happened. And why should I? The small details can wait. What's important is knowing what has truly happened and nipping it in the bud once and for all right?

I guess it all depends on who, or what, I'm dealing with at that moment. Life is unpredictable isn't it? And I'm not very keen on wasting too many seconds dealing with an issue that isn't going to break me. Or make me. I don't know. Either way, nothing really fazes me much anymore.

Am I jaded? Or what? Or what. I don't think I'm jaded. I still feel shit. Like I feel it, deep inside my bones, deep inside me. I feel a crazy sense of whatever I'm suppose to feel. I just don't care about, or for, it. I've got bigger fish to fry. At least that's what I want to think.

Crazy job market

Ok I know I ain't the best person to be talking to about job stability but I have to comment on this. 

THE JOB MARKET REALLY REALLLLLLYYYYY SUCKS RIGHT NOW!

I'm not exaggerating. It's crazy you know. Just about, say, 5 to 8 years ago, for every 3 resumes I threw out, I would get at least a callback. Today, after throwing out a good perhaps 30 to 40 resumes in a span of 3 weeks, guess what? I only got 3 interview opportunities. THREE! That's not a healthy figure at all ya know, considering I would have gotten probably at least 10 by now. 

And you know what happens when you don't get enough callbacks and interview opportunities right? Yep, job landing. How is one supposed to land a job (and I'm talking about BOTH part-time and full-time), if you don't even get the chance to meet and speak with the company? How will they even know what you are capable of besides what is written in your resume and existing on your portfolio? Doesn't make any sense. 

I usually talk to my hubby about this, as in the job market in general, and recently, I find us lamenting how bad it is. He isn't as much of a job hopper as me (Hey don't judge. I have my reasons if only you will listen), but even he, an events specialist who has been hovering about in the field for at least 10 years, is finding it tough to land a good one. The thing is, and I'm not one to brag, he knows I've gotten pretty rad at interviews and most times, I nail the first one there and then. Obviously it doesn't happen all the time, I'm not that much of an expert, but after attending so many, it's hard not to know what to expect. And to digress a little further, think what you want, it has come to the point where I kinda even know whether I will get the job or not right after the first interview. Yea, you become somewhat psychic after so much intense training. Hahahaha!

With this said, we decided that even though it seems that there are so many jobs out there on the various job portals, most employers are testing the market aka the jobs posted may not even be available or non existent OR, them employers are just trying to get the best bang for their buck during this job market crisis. 

Don't even bother listening to or looking at the employment and employing statistics put out by the government. It's not accurate because 1) they talk about jobs availability in general so this encompasses every.single.fucking.job. 2) this may be skewed in favour of companies who are actually actively hiring. Obviously every nation now wants to put forth the most lovely looking picture of health of themselves in this lousy economy so I'm not saying that the government is wrong in doing so. It's just...well, it's just not a true reflection of what is actually happening on the ground. And that really really sucks. 

The second thing that I have NEVER encountered in my so many years of job searching but am experiencing so much of recently are potential employers asking outright what my salary expectations are and if it is negotiable. What is this? You haven't seen me and you are already hoping to get a bargain? What am I? A cheap fuck? Please ah. As employers, you should know that if you pay peanuts, you get them bloody monkeys ah. You want good, solid people, then you better pay up. Don't be a stinch and try to wayang your way around just because you think "Oh the job economy is so bad, I'm pretty sure there are loads of desperate people out there looking for employment so they probably won't mind taking a huge pay cut to work for us IF we award them the opportunity." 

Don't act ah employers. You know who you are ah. 

Ok to be fair, there will be some people who are willing to take on anything right now because they haven't been able to land a job for some time and you know, Singapore isn't exactly the cheapest place to survive in. But to take the opportunity to exploit good people like that? Seriously? No, don't do that. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you will feel if the tables were turned. Not too good isn't it? 

I've been really lucky in my job searches though and I really have so much to be thankful for. Even in this lousy job environment, I managed to secure a job just about 3 weeks after my last one without a pay dip. That is saying a lot in our current climate. So I try to do my best to help my friends who haven't been as lucky and send as many recommendations as I can along to them, crossing my fingers and praying that one day they will tell me they have gotten something through one of the job recos I have sent them. 

Oh, and one more thing. I have never heard employers tell me "I'm sorry but we have had so many good candidates this time that we have decided to go with someone else." This, I cannot refute at all because if it's true, well, then that says alot about what is truly happening in the job market today doesn't it? You are now fighting with not just the fresh grads who probably don't mind working more for less pay than you, and foreigners, you are also fighting with the best in your industry. 

Yes, some of you may be going "The fuck?" but it's true. So if you get a job amidst all this, well, you can safely say you are probably one of the stronger ones in this battle. But for those who are still on the prowl, keep on fighting! Sooner or later someone is gonna see the potential in you and take you on. It may be shitty now but good things always come to those who are patient. You need to realise that you need to take fervent action. Right now, just sending out resumes and waiting ain't gonna cut it. You need to put yourself out there. Make yourself known to companies who may not even be hiring. You need to step up your game and be smarter than those who are just starting out or who may not have the cells to think as far. Take that extra leap of faith because you never know where it will get you. You just might land something so awesome, you didn't even know that you had it in yourself to do so. 

Gambatte!

Cheers,
Tolora

Stupid is what stupid gets

If there is anything that pushes me off the edge more than people who gei kiang are those who think that just because they aren't in a rush means others aren't.

Why am I so pissed off about this? Well, this is how the story went down.

Left the house a little later than usual today and because of that, was running a little late to work. Was literally running and sweating my way all the way to the office building and it took a hell lot of time before the lift arrived (was already considering soldiering up the stairs all the way to the 1x floor). Lift arrived, I got in, pushed the level button and continued on. Lift stopped at the 4th floor, little elderly lady starts slowly walking in. I see that both her feet are already in the lift so I push close. Apparently her arm was (why??), swinging and the lift door knocked into it while it was closing. She, in all her elderly ways, started rubbing her arm and exclaimed to me,"Eh! You never see me ah?"

What my (diplomatic) reply was at that time was, "Oh sorry I thought you were already in the lift."

What my inner true voice was saying was, "Auntie, I'm in a rush. You are not that old, not disabled (hobbling, with a walking stick, in a wheelchair, etc). Why are you walking so slow? You are not in a rush, I AM!"

To my defense, she really wasn't that old, probably just about as old as a couple of relatives I have. I had grandparents up till about 5+ years ago (they have all since passed), and honestly, I'm a very patient person when it comes to little kids and the elderly because I was raised well. This auntie obviously was capable of moving a little faster but she chose to saunter, as with a lot of the older folks in the building. Actually, scrap that. Some of the young ones also move damn slow.

And while I can be very capable of being nice and patient and understanding with those who are truly not able to move as fast as they want to due to whatever reasons, whether you are young or old, I cannot stand it when I can SEE that you are obviously physically alright and can move faster and yet, you choose not to.

As you can tell, my rant this morning isn't just elderly biased. I have no qualms slamming doors and closing lift doors on ANYONE who takes their time, especially when I am in a BLOODY RUSH!

And honestly, even if I am not, I am getting to a point where I cannot care less anymore. Too many idiots around staring at their damn phones and not noticing what the heck is happening around them. Hey, I play games on my phone too but I always concentrate on the road when I have to. Or people. Or even animals.

Lesson of the day: Don't be a prick/asshole/cunt/stupid dumb bitch. Period.