This is not suppose to be an emotional post of any kind. It's just a way for me to express how I feel about The One Who Somehow Got Away and my, well, regrets? I don't know. Should I even be feeling bad that we didn't try harder at making what we had work?
For someone who does not believe in regrets and eating the grass that has passed me by (a Chinese saying no less), it's actually rather puzzling and to some, surprising, why I am still kinda hung up about this. I mean, I'm not "still not over him" but I have to admit that I still get affected in certain ways when I hear certain songs or listen to certain stories.
Chemistry, and loads of it, was something we had. We really did. And the reaction was so great, there was no way anyone could have ignored it.
Yep, it really was that epic.
But you know what they say about relationships that sizzle so much. Well, they said it would fizzle quickly too but that didn't really happen with us. Not at all.
You see, ours just continued to burn bright. It was hot and passionate. Not just in a sexual way but in so many others. Even after two years of seeing each other almost everyday and exploring each others' bodies, we still weren't quite done. Really! Ok I know it may sound a little graphic but I'm just being real. I don't make things up. Well, at least not this time.
And even after two years (was it two and a half?), we still could not let go. For some reason, we clung on to each other like two koalas in heat. I dated others but we continued to meet and that was that. Somehow, it didn't feel wrong. It's weird, I know, but it felt..almost right in fact. Like yea, we should be seeing each other and nothing has changed.
But we both knew things HAD changed. We just weren't prepared to accept it.
Until the day I met HIM, and I'm not talking about religion here. And it was only then that I knew, and decided, that it was time for our trysts to end.
I don't even know why I'm using the word "trysts" because they definitely aren't. Or at least, weren't. Excuse my choice of words because it still feels real to me.
It was real. What we had was real. We both knew it and we tried so hard and too hard to hold on to what little bit we had left going towards the end. That's one thing I keep telling myself until now. We tried. By God did we try!
But when HE came into my life, I just knew it was time to let go. We weren't working very well anymore. We knew we weren't, although we still adored each other like crazy. Yet, as much as we struggled, we were drifting apart. It's almost like that Renaissance painting where two Gods are reaching for each other but just barely touching with the tips of their fingers. Yes, it's exactly that.
When HE came along, I finally knew, in some ways, what I was looking for in a life partner all along. I loved you, still do, but I also knew that we would never have worked in the long run. We were too alike in too many ways and that was what made us love each other so much and caused us to drift apart too.
HE appeared in my life and showed me that I could stop running, stop chasing, stop trying to keep up, stop moving for awhile. HE showed me that it was okay to just relax and lean on someone for awhile if I was tired. HE made me feel that my body was a temple and that I am free to do whatever I want with it.
HE made me feel proper again.
I'm not saying that you didn't. You made me feel like a woman so many times over when we were together. You taught me to love unconditionally. You showed me that we could be anywhere in the world and still be so in love and attached to one individual. You gave me the gift of knowing what true love really is.
So now, as I slightly bemoan your loss, I celebrate the fact that we once were so strong and so awesome together. We were a team, created to take on the world but now, I am part of a team that is the world. Now, me and HIM, it's the two of us against the rest of the world.
With this post, I wish I will be able to let you go once and for all. From my mind, from the songs I will hear and the movies I will watch. But I will keep an inkling of your thought somewhere in my mind and keep it under careful lock and key. This is where I will come to to reminisce on the good things of my past, to know that once upon a time, there was someone who made me feel so alive. That once upon a time, we were the ultimate couple.
But all in my once upon a time and never more.
Monday, 30 January 2017
Wednesday, 18 January 2017
Seriously people?
I'm usually pretty mild about the whole generation gap thing but sometimes, just sometimes, push comes to shove and I have no choice but to rant about it.
I can only rant because society does not condone younger people kicking older folks, even if they are the ones who start it first.
Like I said, I am usually pretty mild about this so keep this in mind.
For one, they don't seem to know when to stop talking to you. I mean, I'm okay and am actually happy when people try to be friendly and try to make small talk with me but there are times when you just want to be left alone or are just not interested in saying anything in general. Yet they jabber on and on and even ask you questions, as if challenging you to ignore them. So what do I do? I just pretend I didn't hear them above all the din. Or they just weren't loud enough to cut through my thick wall of concentration.
Two, they don't seem to know the things that are happening around them. I don't mean it in a "there's a fire 100m in front of them and they still walk into it" way, more like "they know it's peak hour and people are walking by them really quickly but they choose to block the way and/or walk really really slowly on a narrow path" way. And then when you bypass them, they give you a look and a "tsk" as if the we should not have done that at all. No, it doesn't matter if we are going to be late for work or for our meeting, as long as we walk slowly and silently behind them and "respect" their pace of life, so they say.
Three, they love to stare. Like just...stare. I can be in my most tattered outfit and they will still stare. At what? I honestly have no idea. Like my colleague said, perhaps we are such anomalies in their society that when we appear, they find the need to just check us out in the best way they can. STARE. Which is really creepy and really, downright uncomfortable. But of course, they will never know because, like I mentioned earlier, it is rude to question the elders.
Older but no wiser? Possibly. I don't know. But I'm just puzzled and yet irritated at the same time. Even though I know I shouldn't be.
I can only rant because society does not condone younger people kicking older folks, even if they are the ones who start it first.
Like I said, I am usually pretty mild about this so keep this in mind.
For one, they don't seem to know when to stop talking to you. I mean, I'm okay and am actually happy when people try to be friendly and try to make small talk with me but there are times when you just want to be left alone or are just not interested in saying anything in general. Yet they jabber on and on and even ask you questions, as if challenging you to ignore them. So what do I do? I just pretend I didn't hear them above all the din. Or they just weren't loud enough to cut through my thick wall of concentration.
Two, they don't seem to know the things that are happening around them. I don't mean it in a "there's a fire 100m in front of them and they still walk into it" way, more like "they know it's peak hour and people are walking by them really quickly but they choose to block the way and/or walk really really slowly on a narrow path" way. And then when you bypass them, they give you a look and a "tsk" as if the we should not have done that at all. No, it doesn't matter if we are going to be late for work or for our meeting, as long as we walk slowly and silently behind them and "respect" their pace of life, so they say.
Three, they love to stare. Like just...stare. I can be in my most tattered outfit and they will still stare. At what? I honestly have no idea. Like my colleague said, perhaps we are such anomalies in their society that when we appear, they find the need to just check us out in the best way they can. STARE. Which is really creepy and really, downright uncomfortable. But of course, they will never know because, like I mentioned earlier, it is rude to question the elders.
Older but no wiser? Possibly. I don't know. But I'm just puzzled and yet irritated at the same time. Even though I know I shouldn't be.
Sunday, 15 January 2017
It's 2017!
How time flies.
Cliche but yet, it's true.
I can't even remember the last time I posted an entry here. Ok fine, I just didn't bother to look. But for good reason if you are wondering. I don't want to be reminded of old, stupid me.
Halfway through January and we are just about 2 weeks away from the Lunar New Year. CNY is here early this year and it's a mad scramble to get things done and out of the way as quickly as we can. Since getting our own place, life has been relatively tolerable, made better with our little fur baby Dahlia. We say she owns the apartment but her two human slaves pay for everything. That's how it works anyway with fur parents.
Work wise, it has been mundane for the most part. I mean, seriously, what do you expect me to be excited about? It's just like going through the motions for the week, being exceptionally excited when 6.30pm on Friday comes around and I get to go home and sleep in on the weekends. And then, there's nothing much else to look forward to except spending time with Dahlia.
And I think it's a sign I'm growing old. I'm getting easily peeved by people and things that happen around me more often than I'm comfortable with. Slow walking ones, ones who block you, the ones who don't know how to swerve when they see you walking through with big bags, the ones who stare at their phones and not know where they are walking towards. These people ought to be shot but all I usually do is just stare them down and perhaps make a snide remark or two as we pass each other. Ya, old. Now you get it.
But besides all the negativity (are they really that bad, I wonder?), I guess there are little snips and snatches of good things in my life. Possibly things that have been there for like forever actually.
1. I'm starting to know myself a little more. Know what I want in life, my friends, my family, my work, whatever you can come up with.
2. I'm starting to find out who my true friends are. Who are those that truly love me for the lousy piece of human crap I am.
3. I'm starting to learn how to stand up for myself.
4. I'm starting to learn what it is to love. Though unconditionally, it's still a work in progress.
5. I'm starting to learn to shut up and listen more. And because of that, I seem to be learning more about the things that are happening around me more.
The world ain't that pretty afterall when you start picking up the pieces. And the next time someone tells you, "The world will fuck you over", take that advice and run with it.
At the end of the day, we are only human. I just happen to be one big emotional roller coaster even at this point in my life. It will probably never change. I guess. Never. Nah-uh. Possibly. I don't know.
Why the hell am I doing a soliloquy?
Cliche but yet, it's true.
I can't even remember the last time I posted an entry here. Ok fine, I just didn't bother to look. But for good reason if you are wondering. I don't want to be reminded of old, stupid me.
Halfway through January and we are just about 2 weeks away from the Lunar New Year. CNY is here early this year and it's a mad scramble to get things done and out of the way as quickly as we can. Since getting our own place, life has been relatively tolerable, made better with our little fur baby Dahlia. We say she owns the apartment but her two human slaves pay for everything. That's how it works anyway with fur parents.
Work wise, it has been mundane for the most part. I mean, seriously, what do you expect me to be excited about? It's just like going through the motions for the week, being exceptionally excited when 6.30pm on Friday comes around and I get to go home and sleep in on the weekends. And then, there's nothing much else to look forward to except spending time with Dahlia.
And I think it's a sign I'm growing old. I'm getting easily peeved by people and things that happen around me more often than I'm comfortable with. Slow walking ones, ones who block you, the ones who don't know how to swerve when they see you walking through with big bags, the ones who stare at their phones and not know where they are walking towards. These people ought to be shot but all I usually do is just stare them down and perhaps make a snide remark or two as we pass each other. Ya, old. Now you get it.
But besides all the negativity (are they really that bad, I wonder?), I guess there are little snips and snatches of good things in my life. Possibly things that have been there for like forever actually.
1. I'm starting to know myself a little more. Know what I want in life, my friends, my family, my work, whatever you can come up with.
2. I'm starting to find out who my true friends are. Who are those that truly love me for the lousy piece of human crap I am.
3. I'm starting to learn how to stand up for myself.
4. I'm starting to learn what it is to love. Though unconditionally, it's still a work in progress.
5. I'm starting to learn to shut up and listen more. And because of that, I seem to be learning more about the things that are happening around me more.
The world ain't that pretty afterall when you start picking up the pieces. And the next time someone tells you, "The world will fuck you over", take that advice and run with it.
At the end of the day, we are only human. I just happen to be one big emotional roller coaster even at this point in my life. It will probably never change. I guess. Never. Nah-uh. Possibly. I don't know.
Why the hell am I doing a soliloquy?
Thursday, 21 January 2016
Mid Jan 2016 already????
Where did the days go????
It felt like just yesterday we were all riled up to welcome the new year and then BAM! Jan 2016 is almost over.*shivers*
Anyway! Now we are all awaiting CNY where we will go through the motions all over again. But I'm excited about having our very FIRST steamboat at our very own place on 30th jan with the gang! FIRST!! *squeals*
And then after that will be full on CNY visitations followed by me just waiting for the most exciting thing to happen first half of 2016....
MY TRIP TO TOKYO!!!!!
Even though it's going to be with my parents and my 2 aunts, I know it's going to be so awesome. For one, I will be in Tokyo (duh), and two, I really enjoy bringing people around Tokyo. I do! Especially when they are not very sure where to go. Gives me a lot of leeway to play around to decide where I can bring them to. Most time we end up at places I want to go to la lol!
But this time, it's going to be crazy because we are going during the hanami season so we gonna get us some sake, sashimi, sushi and sit under a sakura tree and get drunk! Woots!! I just hope the weather will be awesome and it wouldn't get too crowded where we are going to enjoy the scenery.
And after that it will be back to work work work for abit till July and me and the hubs will be off to Perth for 10 days!!! Yayyyyyy!!! Quokka!!! Will be staying with my aunt and uncle and I just know it's going to be a blast. Can't wait to see little Katie and Ella too! My two little Australian nieces. Hopefully in a few years, my cousins will be able to say "can't wait to see [names of my kids]! My little New Zealand nieces/nephews."
Yea me and the man are planning seriously to move to New Zealand for good. We want out of here as soon as we can. And we are not your frivolous young couple who wants to go just because. We have been planning to leave for awhile now, although my initial destination was Japan (and it actually still is haha), but because the hubs does not have a degree (yet), it's going to be a huge challenge for him to find a job there. Anyway, the both of us have kinda established that as much as we love Japan, it's not a feasible location for us to be in for the long run. He doesn't quite fancy the education system and job market there and I only want to be there because I want my children to grow up speaking Japanese. To which the man says,"ermmm...they can grow up speaking Japanese if you teach them the language from young?" -_-"
So yes, New Zealand! They have been trying to get Singaporeans to head over there to work, live, procreate and what not for awhile for good reason. After attending the IMMAGINE seminar last weekend, we were rather impressed by the statistics presented to us and also the fact that this agency does RESIDENCY visas. Yep RESIDENCY, not WORK visas. Which is awesome la because technically you don't need to have a job to get a residency visa but, well, we have to la. Or else how to survive? Go there then immediately die of starvation meh? Hahaha...So, polytechnic and university education in NZ is 75% subsidised with tax payers' money so therefore we know that even though we are paying higher taxes there. our money is being used for us. Houses are bigger and cheaper (not in Auckland), and the air is fresher. Work-life balance will definitely be there as NZ is a family oriented country.
I'm sold on just these points. I want a better quality of life for myself and my family definitely. I'm even thinking of bringing my parents over when we are ready! But let's see how that goes. Don't know if they will be too old by then.
For now, life goes on. Hasn't been bad though. I started the year with a high fever and took almost 3 weeks to heal but that's not gonna stop me from enjoying the upcoming festivities!
2016! I'm going in!
Cheers,
Tolora
It felt like just yesterday we were all riled up to welcome the new year and then BAM! Jan 2016 is almost over.*shivers*
Anyway! Now we are all awaiting CNY where we will go through the motions all over again. But I'm excited about having our very FIRST steamboat at our very own place on 30th jan with the gang! FIRST!! *squeals*
And then after that will be full on CNY visitations followed by me just waiting for the most exciting thing to happen first half of 2016....
MY TRIP TO TOKYO!!!!!
Even though it's going to be with my parents and my 2 aunts, I know it's going to be so awesome. For one, I will be in Tokyo (duh), and two, I really enjoy bringing people around Tokyo. I do! Especially when they are not very sure where to go. Gives me a lot of leeway to play around to decide where I can bring them to. Most time we end up at places I want to go to la lol!
But this time, it's going to be crazy because we are going during the hanami season so we gonna get us some sake, sashimi, sushi and sit under a sakura tree and get drunk! Woots!! I just hope the weather will be awesome and it wouldn't get too crowded where we are going to enjoy the scenery.
And after that it will be back to work work work for abit till July and me and the hubs will be off to Perth for 10 days!!! Yayyyyyy!!! Quokka!!! Will be staying with my aunt and uncle and I just know it's going to be a blast. Can't wait to see little Katie and Ella too! My two little Australian nieces. Hopefully in a few years, my cousins will be able to say "can't wait to see [names of my kids]! My little New Zealand nieces/nephews."
Yea me and the man are planning seriously to move to New Zealand for good. We want out of here as soon as we can. And we are not your frivolous young couple who wants to go just because. We have been planning to leave for awhile now, although my initial destination was Japan (and it actually still is haha), but because the hubs does not have a degree (yet), it's going to be a huge challenge for him to find a job there. Anyway, the both of us have kinda established that as much as we love Japan, it's not a feasible location for us to be in for the long run. He doesn't quite fancy the education system and job market there and I only want to be there because I want my children to grow up speaking Japanese. To which the man says,"ermmm...they can grow up speaking Japanese if you teach them the language from young?" -_-"
So yes, New Zealand! They have been trying to get Singaporeans to head over there to work, live, procreate and what not for awhile for good reason. After attending the IMMAGINE seminar last weekend, we were rather impressed by the statistics presented to us and also the fact that this agency does RESIDENCY visas. Yep RESIDENCY, not WORK visas. Which is awesome la because technically you don't need to have a job to get a residency visa but, well, we have to la. Or else how to survive? Go there then immediately die of starvation meh? Hahaha...So, polytechnic and university education in NZ is 75% subsidised with tax payers' money so therefore we know that even though we are paying higher taxes there. our money is being used for us. Houses are bigger and cheaper (not in Auckland), and the air is fresher. Work-life balance will definitely be there as NZ is a family oriented country.
I'm sold on just these points. I want a better quality of life for myself and my family definitely. I'm even thinking of bringing my parents over when we are ready! But let's see how that goes. Don't know if they will be too old by then.
For now, life goes on. Hasn't been bad though. I started the year with a high fever and took almost 3 weeks to heal but that's not gonna stop me from enjoying the upcoming festivities!
2016! I'm going in!
Cheers,
Tolora
Monday, 21 December 2015
Clearing out my other gmail account
I have TWO working gmail accounts in case you didn't already know.
I have quite a few other accounts that are dead la. All created for reasons I cannot remember.
So! I have cleared my dominant gmail account sometime end last year till early this year and felt mighty proud because I had almost 10k messages and my hubby could not stand it. Ya, my HUBBY could not stand it, not me. And I own the account.
For the new year, I decided to clear my OTHER account and because this account was the dominant one from my earlier years, it contained so many emails that were pretty interesting yet rather emotional for me. All I can say is some of the messages hit me...
RIGHT IN THE FEELS.
Seriously! So many messages from and to ex boyfriends and because my Facebook updates get sent to this account too, I see posts and comments from past and present people which brings back tons of memories.
One outstanding thing I noticed though. After I got married, the number of my guy friends (or guys commenting on my pictures), dwindled drastically. Ok maybe I should just say I'm back on the market and see what the reaction is like, just for fun. Hahaha...so free ah Joey Peh??!
So anyway, it was nice to see how I was back then and my activity-filled life that was so exciting I literally did not get any sleep. Now I get more sleep but I am fatter too wth. I saw a few conversations that were nostalgic but knew that they meant alot during that time but now nothing much anymore.
However, there was one person that jolted so much feels in me. Well, I loved him then and I do still love him now, possibly as much as I used to. But I know we will never be together again. Even then, reading our email conversations still gave me the tingles, tingles of affection and the feeling of....love? A love that would never be. So much feels. And I realized I still miss him yet I know I will probably never see him again.
Oh well. *Sigh*
Tolora
I have quite a few other accounts that are dead la. All created for reasons I cannot remember.
So! I have cleared my dominant gmail account sometime end last year till early this year and felt mighty proud because I had almost 10k messages and my hubby could not stand it. Ya, my HUBBY could not stand it, not me. And I own the account.
For the new year, I decided to clear my OTHER account and because this account was the dominant one from my earlier years, it contained so many emails that were pretty interesting yet rather emotional for me. All I can say is some of the messages hit me...
RIGHT IN THE FEELS.
Seriously! So many messages from and to ex boyfriends and because my Facebook updates get sent to this account too, I see posts and comments from past and present people which brings back tons of memories.
One outstanding thing I noticed though. After I got married, the number of my guy friends (or guys commenting on my pictures), dwindled drastically. Ok maybe I should just say I'm back on the market and see what the reaction is like, just for fun. Hahaha...so free ah Joey Peh??!
So anyway, it was nice to see how I was back then and my activity-filled life that was so exciting I literally did not get any sleep. Now I get more sleep but I am fatter too wth. I saw a few conversations that were nostalgic but knew that they meant alot during that time but now nothing much anymore.
However, there was one person that jolted so much feels in me. Well, I loved him then and I do still love him now, possibly as much as I used to. But I know we will never be together again. Even then, reading our email conversations still gave me the tingles, tingles of affection and the feeling of....love? A love that would never be. So much feels. And I realized I still miss him yet I know I will probably never see him again.
Oh well. *Sigh*
Tolora
Monday, 14 December 2015
I'm blessed
I just got back from lunch. Damn. If my company's more anal, I'd probably be interrogated left right centre already.
Why? Because I technically took a 2hour long lunch, of which 1 bloody hour was wasted queueing to cash out my cheque at OCBC Alexandra Village.
And why was there a long queue? Because of a stoopid couple who was at the counter for more then half an hour! Yes! I'm guessing they were at the counter for more then that actually. Dunno what the hell they were doing. Seriously, banks should restrict procedures that take more then 10mins to the timing between 9am to 11am. Thereafter, all procedures should not last more then 10mins to expedite the whole process.
Eh some of us need to work and only have ONE HOUR for lunch hor! We don't have all day to wait.
And those people who have the flexibility of time and KNOW your procedure is going to take awhile, please be considerate and go during the off peak timings ie before lunch hour or after.
Thank you.
Onto easier things, as I was on my way back to the office, I started thinking about how blessed I am. The topic on my mind at that point was my hubby.
He has been buying items for me here and there, big things (more expensive things that cost more than $100), and of course small things. For the small things, he will usually just shrug it off. But for the big things, he will tell me,"Ok your Christmas present is settled" or "Ok your anniversary present is settled" or "Ok your birthday present is settled". BUT his list of presents never end. It sometimes comes to a point where he forgets and repeats the same occasion for some items and when I ask him about it, he will say,"Aiya I forget already la. Nevermind la. You happy ok liao."
So sweet right? I'm very lucky.
But this does not mean I'm only happy with his material gifts ah.
Ok that's all. I only wanted to say this. Haha...
Kthxbye.
Cheers,
Tolora
Why? Because I technically took a 2hour long lunch, of which 1 bloody hour was wasted queueing to cash out my cheque at OCBC Alexandra Village.
And why was there a long queue? Because of a stoopid couple who was at the counter for more then half an hour! Yes! I'm guessing they were at the counter for more then that actually. Dunno what the hell they were doing. Seriously, banks should restrict procedures that take more then 10mins to the timing between 9am to 11am. Thereafter, all procedures should not last more then 10mins to expedite the whole process.
Eh some of us need to work and only have ONE HOUR for lunch hor! We don't have all day to wait.
And those people who have the flexibility of time and KNOW your procedure is going to take awhile, please be considerate and go during the off peak timings ie before lunch hour or after.
Thank you.
Onto easier things, as I was on my way back to the office, I started thinking about how blessed I am. The topic on my mind at that point was my hubby.
He has been buying items for me here and there, big things (more expensive things that cost more than $100), and of course small things. For the small things, he will usually just shrug it off. But for the big things, he will tell me,"Ok your Christmas present is settled" or "Ok your anniversary present is settled" or "Ok your birthday present is settled". BUT his list of presents never end. It sometimes comes to a point where he forgets and repeats the same occasion for some items and when I ask him about it, he will say,"Aiya I forget already la. Nevermind la. You happy ok liao."
So sweet right? I'm very lucky.
But this does not mean I'm only happy with his material gifts ah.
Ok that's all. I only wanted to say this. Haha...
Kthxbye.
Cheers,
Tolora
Sunday, 13 December 2015
Just moving hardcore into 2016!
Hahahaha I know the title sounds way off but I just had to use it.
Why? Because 2016 is going to be quite a year of a new car and holidays! Yay!
Already going to Tokyo on 31st March till 6th April and then already booked air tickets to Perth from 6th July till 15th July! I cannot wait!!!
It's still so amazing that I will be entering the new year with a new job as a copywriter (enjoying it so far!), and with so many exciting upcoming activities ahead.
Dahlia will be going for a microchipping and sterilisation on 2nd Jan, Bennett's wedding on 3rd Jan...whoa I can't even catch up!
And the most interesting thing of all would be that I just purchased a Chantal Thomass bag, the quilted one with the ribbons which I have been looking for for so long! Actually I've been looking for the white shoulder bag but unfortunately no one is selling it. So sad...that would have been ideal.
I just hope I get my pay on the 30th since it seems we won't be working on the 31st. Whoopie! Time to partayyyyy!!!
Why? Because 2016 is going to be quite a year of a new car and holidays! Yay!
Already going to Tokyo on 31st March till 6th April and then already booked air tickets to Perth from 6th July till 15th July! I cannot wait!!!
It's still so amazing that I will be entering the new year with a new job as a copywriter (enjoying it so far!), and with so many exciting upcoming activities ahead.
Dahlia will be going for a microchipping and sterilisation on 2nd Jan, Bennett's wedding on 3rd Jan...whoa I can't even catch up!
And the most interesting thing of all would be that I just purchased a Chantal Thomass bag, the quilted one with the ribbons which I have been looking for for so long! Actually I've been looking for the white shoulder bag but unfortunately no one is selling it. So sad...that would have been ideal.
I just hope I get my pay on the 30th since it seems we won't be working on the 31st. Whoopie! Time to partayyyyy!!!
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