Tired...so tired...

I've been sleeping at the weirdest hours lately.It can be really early (like 9pm) or really goddamn late (4-5am).And for no apparent reason.

Just finished Episode 8 Part 6/8 of Romantic Princess. I'm just so sick and tired of my mum. The things she said just now hurt me like anything.What's wrong with me watching Taiwanese dramas?I mean,she complains when I'm out too often,and now she' s even trying to control the things I do at home?Isn't my life lonely enough?

You know,no one can ever understand how lonely I feel sometimes. Perhaps that explains my infatuation with Xiao Mai.She doesn't belong anyway and she feels confused and utterly alone. But lucky her,she still has Jin.

I'm happy for my girls. Orange with her Ben (I'm sincerely and really happy that she has gotten someone she truly loves), Joy has her list of toy boys (haha!), and Justina...well let's just say she never has a problem with suitors. Even Tracy sis has her fair share of romance.

Maybe you can say that I'm not the romance kind.But you are wrong.I'm a very romantic person.And I'm very picky at the same time.I've been through a couple of relationships to no avail and after each one,my mum has this idea that I'll pop back naturally within a few days.

In fact,I never recover from them.

Like my ex,do you think I'm totally healed? No.I feel guilty and heartbroken for him becoz I know how he feels.To the point that if I get run down by a lorry one day,I'll just take it as my retribution and karma.

I guess meeting Adrian was in some way karma for me.Made me fall for him knowing he would never love me back.Ha!I was such a fool to think otherwise.

People look at me and think I'm such a strong confident woman. Well,I fall to my knees and scrap them so many times I've lost count.Sometimes I even look at my dog and start crying.Becoz I know besides my girlfriends,I have no one else.I cannot rely on my family any longer becoz they no longer understand the present me.

Even my relatives don't seem to realize I've grown.It's so painful to watch love stories and try not to be affected by them at all when in actual fact,I'm bleeding inside.I've known how it's like to not get the person I fall for but this time round,it hurt.

It hurt real bad.

I pile myself with work everyday,bluffing myself that everything will be fine one day and that the light at the end of the tunnel is so close.But could this light just be the lights of an approaching train,of impending danger?I don't know.And I guess I don't wanna know either.I would rather enclose myself in my own little world and go cold turkey there.

There was a time I really thought I was truly happy.When I had the love of someone I loved in return (just like Xiao Mai and Jin).Until I was given a slap in the face by reality.Yes,as you can see,I'm a romantic person.I live to love but I wanna be loved in return too.

I remember a certain someone saying this to me once before," Even the most strongest of hearts needs love at the end of the day."

How true.

I'll never forget that line.Nor will I ever give myself so freely to love ever again.

Becoz I'm bleeding inside and it hurts so bad.

Signing off,
Tolora