In just a span of half a year, so many things seem to have happened. There was a period of confusion, then alittle bit of happiness which was quickly followed by a long period of a mixture of pain, deception and sadness. Then there was a heartbreak and numbness which slowly faded off into nonchalance and oblivion. All this was followed by a sudden ray of sunshine. Up till now. hasn't been too long but for me, it's good enough.:)
The heartbreaking period hasn't passed and it probably never will. Even when I went to pay my respects on her 100th day, I was fighting to hold back tears. I spoke to her and told her I knew how much she wanted to see me happy and well. I knew how much she wanted to see me settle down with a nice guy. I promised her I would bring my husband to see her and my kids too when I had them. This promise always brings me to the brink of crying because she always told me it was alright and to take it slow but I knew deep down inside she may not have that many years left. She didn't. Perhaps some of you may think it creepy or just weird that I'm allowing myself to promise someone who has passed on something like this but she's my grandma and I don't see anything wrong with it. The man who becomes my husband will have to understand why I do what I have to do and there's only 2 words to it: Love and Respect.
I dont't think I will ever be able to get her cremation scene out of my head. I probably never cried so much and so hard in my life before. Ok maybe only when I was a little girl.
I guess the skies seem a little brighter now. And I hope it stays this way for awhile....
Tolora
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