I have had quite a lot of time on my hands recently to just sit in my own space and ponder on my life thus far. Usually it would be quite a disaster to leave me alone for too long but I guess this time, it seems to be making alot of things very much clearer for me. A good thing I hope.
I was at my friend C's place last night. We went for Thai and then went back to his place for drinks. Very nice bachelor pad. It was my first time there. We sat down at his mini bar area and shared a bottle of wine. We talked about our mutual friends(he use to be a regular at dbl O), and talked about the recent spate of events that have happened with regards to them. We talked about our friendship and our past relationships. It all felt really good just to be able to sit there with a good friend and just...talk. C is 9 years my senior. Definitely more mature in terms of his thinking. We have known each other since 2007. He tried to woo me for awhile but I never reciprocated. Don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy. Just not my type. And as my gf R said, I need to know what I really want and to go in for the kill. Well not literally but you get the drift. The main point of this entire paragraph is that I realized how emotionally detached I can really get. Maybe it was after the dinner with Yip and Tan on Sunday that made me more aware of my actions and it definitely made me more aware last night. Trust me I definitely wasn't trying to flirt with C or anything to that effect. But I honestly did fear giving him the wrong impression. If you are wondering if sex happened, no. Nothing happened at all. Ours has always been platonic. But it was such an awkward feeling at the end of the night becoz I KNEW for a fact that even though I went out with him on friendly basis, he definitely still likes me. I will not lead him on becoz he is a nice guy and leading a nice guy on isn't going to do very well for my karma. But he will always be my friend.
You see how I'm starting to slowly emerge from all the fogginess and coming into the clear?
THAT somehow scares me alittle coz when life starts getting clearer, you start feeling more focused but at the same time more cautious of what's gonna come your way.
* Digression: I lead an amazingly charmed life. In these bad times when jobs are scarce, I have to know someone who is able to personally help me in securing interviews with relatively established firms. Even offered to let me help him with his consultancy firm during my current lull period for some extra cash to get me by. I really thank him from the bottom of my heart.
Promises cannot be made so frivolously. I've seen too many cases of people going mad coz of broken or unfulfiled promises and even though I know I am one heck of a strong gal, I'm still human afterall and it's becoming an unhealthy trait for me to just take everything people say(unless it's words from my boss or parents), with a pinch of salt. The amount of salt is subjective, depending on the situation. It doesn't and probably will not yield well for my future relationships BUT I am striving hard to see the brighter side of life. The happy go lucky, cheerful bubbly Joey is slowly making her reappearance. And it's not gonna be for one night only.:p
I told my mum about a week ago that I'm probably still going through mourning, albeit reduced, for my paternal grandma. That spot of utter bitterness in my life scarred me quite a bit and the wound hasn't quite healed so I really need time and patience to shed off that veil of darkness. Every time I talk about her, or see her pictures, and even drive past places we have been to together, it brings tears to my eyes. Losing her made me feel as if half my soul is no longer intact. No one may believe I really feel so terrible but I do and it's a fact. I am still human afterall.
I think that's one thing many people should realize by now.
I'm still human afterall.
Tolora
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