On taming the shrew

I don't know how many (or should I say,how MUCH), thoughts have been running through my head over the last few weeks. Angry thoughts, spiteful thoughts, bitter thoughts, happy thoughts, nostalgic thoughts...you name it. It just feels like so much has happened over the span of the last year that I've, in some ways, become someone I don't really recognize much anymore.

Of what is worth, I still retain that slightly bitter side of me which I have come to accept will never go away. But following my paternal grandma's passing, I've transformed into this being that has lost almost all sense of passion and compassion for those I do not love or desire. This hard-heartedness appeared to me as a shock in the initial stages but I'm slowly getting used to it and in fact, slowly beginning to enjoy it too. Being able to block myself out from most emotional ties while still enjoying the things I love with the people I want to enjoy them with feels all too...surreal. And yet great at the same time. I feel almost...invulnerable.

But as with superpowers, such sweet oblivion comes at a price. Distaste for the things and people directly related to me or right in front of me shows obviously, whether it be through my actions or my words. I tend to pierce so badly that the object of my displeasure crumbles to dust. The word 'sarcasm' suddenly does not have much of an effect anymore.

I offer myself the liberty of doing things at my own pace and pleasure now, more then I use to do. In return, life is offering itself to me on a silver platter. I decide what I want and I convince that I deserve it. At least I try. Can you already see the apple being dipped into the poison? Haha...

A few days ago my mum shocked me by asking me how Kelvin was. I gave her a look, shrugged and said,"I wouldn't know. I haven't spoken to him in ages." She didn't seem convinced but didn't ask any more,except to turn to my brother and asking him about Benjamin(who use to be Kelvin's partner). A few questions to and fro later, she asked him if Benjamin asked about me and my bro said yes. That was when the whole story flowed out of my mouth. I felt it was time to say something and to explain why I've been so bitter ever since Kelvin decided to end things after a 4 month stint. I told my parents, the man I was interested in was Benjamin. We had so much in common but he has a girlfriend and I let it drop. Kelvin was always second best and I settled for second best(which is never my style), and what did second best do? Threw me aside as soon as he felt he wasn't ready for a relationship.

WTF to the max!

That was a digression. As usual.

But whatever it is, was and will be, I'm sure my heart is ready as ever to take on the heat considering the pain it has endured. It will no longer be my heart that breaks but another's.

Tolora