This is not suppose to be an emotional post of any kind. It's just a way for me to express how I feel about The One Who Somehow Got Away and my, well, regrets? I don't know. Should I even be feeling bad that we didn't try harder at making what we had work?
For someone who does not believe in regrets and eating the grass that has passed me by (a Chinese saying no less), it's actually rather puzzling and to some, surprising, why I am still kinda hung up about this. I mean, I'm not "still not over him" but I have to admit that I still get affected in certain ways when I hear certain songs or listen to certain stories.
Chemistry, and loads of it, was something we had. We really did. And the reaction was so great, there was no way anyone could have ignored it.
Yep, it really was that epic.
But you know what they say about relationships that sizzle so much. Well, they said it would fizzle quickly too but that didn't really happen with us. Not at all.
You see, ours just continued to burn bright. It was hot and passionate. Not just in a sexual way but in so many others. Even after two years of seeing each other almost everyday and exploring each others' bodies, we still weren't quite done. Really! Ok I know it may sound a little graphic but I'm just being real. I don't make things up. Well, at least not this time.
And even after two years (was it two and a half?), we still could not let go. For some reason, we clung on to each other like two koalas in heat. I dated others but we continued to meet and that was that. Somehow, it didn't feel wrong. It's weird, I know, but it felt..almost right in fact. Like yea, we should be seeing each other and nothing has changed.
But we both knew things HAD changed. We just weren't prepared to accept it.
Until the day I met HIM, and I'm not talking about religion here. And it was only then that I knew, and decided, that it was time for our trysts to end.
I don't even know why I'm using the word "trysts" because they definitely aren't. Or at least, weren't. Excuse my choice of words because it still feels real to me.
It was real. What we had was real. We both knew it and we tried so hard and too hard to hold on to what little bit we had left going towards the end. That's one thing I keep telling myself until now. We tried. By God did we try!
But when HE came into my life, I just knew it was time to let go. We weren't working very well anymore. We knew we weren't, although we still adored each other like crazy. Yet, as much as we struggled, we were drifting apart. It's almost like that Renaissance painting where two Gods are reaching for each other but just barely touching with the tips of their fingers. Yes, it's exactly that.
When HE came along, I finally knew, in some ways, what I was looking for in a life partner all along. I loved you, still do, but I also knew that we would never have worked in the long run. We were too alike in too many ways and that was what made us love each other so much and caused us to drift apart too.
HE appeared in my life and showed me that I could stop running, stop chasing, stop trying to keep up, stop moving for awhile. HE showed me that it was okay to just relax and lean on someone for awhile if I was tired. HE made me feel that my body was a temple and that I am free to do whatever I want with it.
HE made me feel proper again.
I'm not saying that you didn't. You made me feel like a woman so many times over when we were together. You taught me to love unconditionally. You showed me that we could be anywhere in the world and still be so in love and attached to one individual. You gave me the gift of knowing what true love really is.
So now, as I slightly bemoan your loss, I celebrate the fact that we once were so strong and so awesome together. We were a team, created to take on the world but now, I am part of a team that is the world. Now, me and HIM, it's the two of us against the rest of the world.
With this post, I wish I will be able to let you go once and for all. From my mind, from the songs I will hear and the movies I will watch. But I will keep an inkling of your thought somewhere in my mind and keep it under careful lock and key. This is where I will come to to reminisce on the good things of my past, to know that once upon a time, there was someone who made me feel so alive. That once upon a time, we were the ultimate couple.
But all in my once upon a time and never more.
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