Clarity, maybe?

I'm not exactly sure how I should be starting this particular post. Like, I know why I'm here right now but...oh well. 

The recent slew (and by slew, I mean two haha) of parliamentary (MP level) affairs had me in a cuff. Why? Because the fact that I even THOUGHT about having an affair was madness, much less actually DOING the deed. 

But I did, although I don't think it meant much enough to be considered an affair per se. Granted, there were some feelings involved (we used 'vibe' alot), and some physical chemistry (?). But there were also alot of uncertainties (no shit Sherlock) before and after the deed was done. 

The way it ended, however, left me in shambles for a few days. It's currently Day 3 post apocalypse, three days since shit hit the roof. Still unsure what I said/did to rile him up so much, he decided that was that after all the things he said, all the "promises" he made. I bawled my eyes out that evening, had my head in a mess, heart quite shattered. Threw myself into the arms of, surprise surprise, my loving husband who has no fucking idea what went down. As in, he kinda knew so-and-so did me dirty but obviously does not know we had a thing for one evening. 

Anyhow, woke up Monday morning and still wasn't thinking straight. I guess the good thing that happened on Monday was receiving the text that I got the job I wanted with my asking salary and working situation. Flexible working conditions are the way to go, especially post pandemic era which is where we are now. Employers need to understand that most employees don't want to be clocking in and out, being tracked on their reporting times, having to be answerable to that (work already so hard, why make their lives harder dude), having to sit at their desks for a stipulated time frame (wtf kinda 'your whole life belongs to me' situation is 8.30am to 6.15pm??? And we could not clock out on time either. Nope, we had to clock out PAST 6.15pm, but we got marked if we clocked in PAST 8.30am. Wut.) anymore. It's not 1960 or even 2018. POST PANDEMIC BABY!

As I was saying, head was still kinda out of sorts but luckily I had some work related stuff to tend to so was distracted for more than half a day doing that. I was having my period so I was feeling extremely lethargic and that probably also helped since I was out of it enough to not give much thought to that situation. Oh! And husband's surprise gift arrived that day too (coincidence much?) to take my mind off the shit too.

Ya this. Damn cute right?

I just wanted to let it out somewhere what I've done. Honestly, as much as we were talking (me and so-and-so), and kinda were in the zone with each other about "trying this out", a part of me kinda knew we weren't gonna make it very far? At that point when things were good, it was just a nagging feeling at the back of my head. But now that things are no longer in effect, can I say this and say it out loud? 

IT WAS NEVER MY GODDAMN FAULT THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT!

Promises were all from him, he lifted me up and then dropped me immediately when it wasn't to his advantage. He bullied me, manipulated me into thinking it was something when it wasn't, insulted me so many times (my gawd Joey, I thought you were smarter than that.), in a way made me feel like I wasn't adequate (insinuating I was fat, not attractive enough, etc) when he really isn't one to comment about such things. 

Not that I only noticed it yesterday but it hit me harder than any other time that, case in point, I have guy friends and a husband who truly care for me and love me just the way I am. THEY think I'm awesome (at least I choose to believe that haha) and have been nothing but concerned for me even before this ass wipe of a character came along. Is this the proverbial 男人不怀，女人不爱 situation? But I left that time in my life at the door as soon as he went berserk and used my vulnerability against me. 

Which leads me to another point (bear with me, I have to let this out to move on fully.) - using my vulnerability against me. He knew some things about me - rocky marriage, my battle with my weight amongst other things. When HE felt belittled (still don't know what I said to make him rage against the machine.), HE took it all out on me BUT! Our good friend, on top of belittling me with the things he knows I'm sensitive about, decided that it was also a good idea to gaslight me. 

How can someone, and a man of all things, do something so heinous to the one he claims to admire not for physical appearance but for emotional reasons? It puzzles me to no end, and I wonder if it's that is what is making me think of this continuously. The only people I feel bad for is his family - his wife and young son. Ya, he has a family and also married. As it is, he isn't even really at home most times, choosing to spend his days at work, slogging his life away when he's close to the big 5-0. His idea of 'loyalty' is beyond warped, his life is basically a cesspool although he thinks this is the best way to live any life (as he has made it very clear verbally on several occasions while we were colleagues and also beyond that). His son probably only recognises the him through Whatsapp video call (sad much?), and I can't fault his wife for being cold to him (if my husband is such a megalomaniac and hardly spends time with the family anyway, plus doesn't seem to be very supportive of my dreams, I would be cold too.). 

If he wanted to live the way he is living now, he should have just stayed single. Why bring another person and life into his world just so he can do this to them? Selfish, irresponsible, immature, narcissistic. And he still doesn't think he is wrong. 

I'm boggled by this person, truly. Those little moments of humanity he has, I've seen them, experienced them, and thought he was deserving of some kindliness, perhaps even a chance. I've told him that vulnerability is not weakness, I've done my part to show him that there are people in this world he can open up to and be vulnerable with. Yet, all I got back in return was so much hate, anger, attack. Did I deserve it? I don't think I did. All I did was be a friend to him, supported him, encouraged him, loved him the only way I could. 

He said it took him alot to open up but he never once asked me about me, about my struggles, my challenges. It was always about him, his challenges and struggles are way worse than everyone else's. He has gotten it the worst in whichever way form you can fathom. HIS pain overrides everyone else's. It doesn't matter if you got shot 50 times in the head and survived, HE has got it worse than you. 

But anyway...

I guess it shouldn't be considered a loss if it was never a gain in the first place mirite?

Right now, I'm focusing on those who appreciate the real me, the true, authentic version of me that while could aggravate you with my realness, would also be there for you and love you and make you laugh with the entirety of my heart. 

First of all, it would be my marriage. I guess this was one good thing that came out of this whole fiasco? I want to fall in love with my husband all over again and re-ignite whatever we have lost over the past 10 years. Make up for lost time if you will. 

I feel better already. 

Thank you.