It's strange, being at the point of life that I am at right now.
Yes blogger, I'm 40 this year. In case we need a throwback to when I first started with this, I was probably in my early 20s. It has been 20 years at least.
Anyhoo, it has been a long run. I'm not sure where to start honestly. Like my header says, I'm at a crossroads in my life. Not physically, more mentally and emotionally.
You see, I got married to a really nice man some 11 years ago. Yep, 11. Scary huh? But then, it seems like things have started to....change over the last few years, feelings wise.
A couple of years ago, I contemplated divorce. I spoke to my husband about it and explained the various reasons why I felt we should go our separate ways. For one, he wanted kids and I'm not willing to have kids with him (alittle too specific? yep.). It would be better and fairer for him if he found someone who was willing to start a family with him. Two, I have lost feelings. I don't want to blame him but in a small way, it is also abit of his fault. He wasn't putting in the effort for our relationship, taking it as "ohhh we have been married for so long, aiya no need to do already la" kind of mindset. The thing is, I've NEVER felt romanced by him. To him, it has always been "we have to be practical, realistic" but to what end? I told him I was bored (still am) of our relationship and it's not because of childish "why is he not paying 100% attention on me?" type of childishness, but a deeper, sadly more detaching kind of boredom.
For the record, we don't have sex anymore. I haven't wanted him to touch me for a few years now. And we even sleep in different rooms mainly because he snores terribly and I cannot sleep peacefully.
I've been trying to build back what we lost but it feels like I'm the only one trying emotionally and mentally. The amount of reliance he has on me feels more and more frustrating as the days go by and when I bring it up, he just shrugs it off as me being overly sensitive, overly demanding, "anyway you are the one who always cannot make a decision" when I'm the one always making the final decision. (wut)
So ya, I'm officially exhausted. I honestly don't know what else I can do.
Point to note: I don't believe in cheating when in a committed relationship. That, I won't do. But I'm starting to find someone looking elsewhere. Whether it's for the real deal (actually working towards something) or just pure flirtation, I don't know but it is happening and I feel like crap. Of course I still have my standards and I find myself being attracted to men who are on the same energy level as me. My husband is more passive and I'm the alpha in the household, not by choice so that explains somewhat.
I'm getting tired. And we are headed for a short getaway to KL tomorrow. I intend to sit him down over a drink to talk about this when we are there and a little more relaxed. I don't think I should drag this any longer. I'm kind of sian to think of his defensiveness but he needs to know that I'm serious. If we figure that this is going nowhere, we should really think about it. We are no longer in the era where once we are married, it means we are forever. Things change, people change. If both hands, or one, isn't willing to clap any longer, then I really think we should cut our losses and move on.
Don't get me wrong though. If there's a way to salvage my marriage, I'm all ears. Therapy, couple counselling, whatever it takes. What I want him to know is how I truly feel and how he feels. I want him to take the initiative and be the forward thinking one in our relationship. I want him to realise that the reason why our marriage is the way it is now is because I've stopped trying and he hasn't been trying for awhile and he is just leaving it as it is, hoping for a miracle to happen. It's not.
He needs to understand that whatever I'm feeling and deciding now is directed at him and not the general population of men.
Let's just end this with I hope everything kinda works out for the better. I hope my next post here won't be a sad one.
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