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Depression...

It felt like not too long ago that I was a little girl with no cares and no worries.

When did that all change?

Had a lot of time to think about my life just now.Everything seems to be going fine on the outside but I'm slowly dying inside.

My inards are decomposing but no one can see.I guess I've always been an emotional wreck,especially at this time of the night on a weekend.

My mum,and some colleagues,have told me to do something about my dating life.I want to but I just have no time.

In just a few more months I'll be 26.And then 30 will come in a blink of an eye.

Then what?

Continue living in my fantasy world of lies or should I just start to grow up now?

Start dressing and acting like a goddamn adult from now on.Leave the jeans and t-shirts to the weekends.Put on heels and nice dresses at work.Talk about micro-managing,now I'm being slammed at work for my dressing.Some people just have nothing better to do.

I resort to pain for relieve.I'm a serious wreck now.I might need a psychatrist very soon.This blog will one day melt into nothingness.

After Japanese class today at 4.15pm,I felt so terrible I walked over to Far East Plaza and looked for Randy.Told him I wanted another tattoo and asked if he had the time there and then.Said yes and we got down to work.

Besides touching up my tattoo,I got the words 'Tolora' in katakana characters higher up my neck.I might get another one again when I get my pay this month.

It hurt like hell.I don't know whether it was the pain from the needle or the pain in my heart.

A short session (just a mere 30minutes),I left immediately after that.It didn't hurt no more when I left.And it felt like I had just gone for a facial.

No one suspected anything.No one asked anyway.

And at the end of the night I told myself,perhaps pain's the only way I can gain release.

So I'll continue to pay to feel pain.Pleasure doesn't quite do it for me any longer.

Signing off,
Tolora