Is it just me or am I being true to myself?

I'm married.

Such marriage. Much bliss. Wow. Doge.

But the thing is, it nags at me that my husband may not be the man I love the most in my life. Sure I love him. It's the kind of stable, steady love that makes me feel comfortable spending my life with him. But it sure isn't love from the depths of my heart, something that will make me wanna kiss him and be physically really close to him all the time. There is someone else from my past that could make me feel this way.

*Mind drifts for a moment*

But he would never be marriage material for me. I mean, I can see myself marrying him and having this awesome true deep love with him but...I don't see it at the same time. I know this sounds ridiculous and somewhat scandalous but I cannot help it. You know how some people say you usually will not end up with the one you truly love? I guess it's exactly what I'm going through now.

It's crazy. Some nights I sit up in bed wondering if I've made the right decision. Inertly I know I have but then my heart skips a beat and my brain interprets it as me having that slight doubt. I know I will always have this doubt, perhaps even after kids and when we are in our 70s. It's like I should have married him ya know. Maybe I will be happier and less naggy. But who knows? I will never know and that's a fact. But me being me, I cannot help thinking about it. Perhaps it's all just the adage "forbidden fruit tastes sweetest"? Maybe. That's all I can say at this juncture.

And it's definitely not like me saying that if I find someone who makes me feel the way my ex made me feel one day, I will up and leave my husband. My husband is someone I will never wanna hurt (at least not in this way). He's too sweet and fragile for that. He loves me very much and is someone who is willing to put himself down (not too much) to accommodate me in as many ways as he possibly can. I know I will not be able to find another man like him so I'm gonna be sticking around for a long long time. LOL.

I'm pretty sure alot of ladies may feel the same way as me. I know some are lucky to have married the man they truly love and have no doubts or regrets (once again I state that I am not regretting my marriage), but there will be some who are either having the same thoughts as me or just regret marrying the man they have. I guess we all have the ability to try and love the person we have decided to spend our life with. If our forefathers could do it, I'm sure we can too right? But that's not to say that the frustration is unreal.

Maybe it's just time for me to soften my approach and channel my frustrations and inner doubts to loving my man.This may be the best favour I can ever do for him and myself.

Tolora